Death in the Family

Recently, someone I know lost a close friend to what the medical examiner said is suicide. I can't find out any details as to why they would think so, but the fact remains that there has been a death.

I'd like those people reading this to pray for that man's family and friends.

I've experienced deaths in my biological family before, but usually very distant relatives. I never really spoke with people who knew the deceased. Those deaths didn't really have much of an impact on me. But this event, where literally a friend of a friend died, has saddened me more than most.

Death is not funny. We laugh about it sometimes; in stories, movies, and video games, we revel in the death of an enemy. But in real life, death is serious business. In cases where the deceased was a Christian, there is some rejoicing that the deceased is now free. But that rejoicing is always mingled with sorrow. And in every case, there is an empty hole left where that person once was.

Now, looking back, I wonder how I could possibly have been laughing at a youtube video an hour before, when my friend is suffering like this. It makes me feel heartless, knowing that I was enjoying something pointless when other people are mourning. And multiply that by all the people who die each year. It's hard for me to accept death as something "real." Until now, it's mainly been a concept, something to talk about at funerals and church sermons. Well, now I've been "made older" by this new knowledge.

There isn't much else I can say on this topic that hasn't already been said. I just ask that you guys pray for these people.

The Outsider Status

This shall be a post of random ranting. Starting now.

I seem to feel like an outsider often. I don't know if everyone feels like this, or is it just me. No matter where it is, with what group it is, I feel like an outsider, not belonging as the others do.
I'll watch the others talk and laugh about things I don't know or don't understand, and I'll feel jealous. What I'm jealous of, I'm not sure. Is it possible I'm jealous of their friendships, the love they have for one another? Or is it simply my human desire to belong?
I feel out of place in many places. There's always something that sets me apart, and the others seem distant, whether they intend to or not. They can try (and some really do try) to make me feel at home, to help me become one of them. But I can't. I have to be...me. I can't be one of a group.
So I smile fakely, and pretend to have a good time, for their sake. I try not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I try. Usually I just end up making myself feel uncomfortable. And jealous. Very, very jealous.

It's not simply my desire to fit in. I don't need to "be like everyone else." I just want to sense that sense of friendship and fellowship that everyone else seems to be able to sense...but not me. I can't. I have to be lonely.

Okay, that was my emo rant of the week.