This shall be a post of random ranting. Starting now.
I seem to feel like an outsider often. I don't know if everyone feels like this, or is it just me. No matter where it is, with what group it is, I feel like an outsider, not belonging as the others do.
I'll watch the others talk and laugh about things I don't know or don't understand, and I'll feel jealous. What I'm jealous of, I'm not sure. Is it possible I'm jealous of their friendships, the love they have for one another? Or is it simply my human desire to belong?
I feel out of place in many places. There's always something that sets me apart, and the others seem distant, whether they intend to or not. They can try (and some really do try) to make me feel at home, to help me become one of them. But I can't. I have to be...me. I can't be one of a group.
So I smile fakely, and pretend to have a good time, for their sake. I try not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I try. Usually I just end up making myself feel uncomfortable. And jealous. Very, very jealous.
It's not simply my desire to fit in. I don't need to "be like everyone else." I just want to sense that sense of friendship and fellowship that everyone else seems to be able to sense...but not me. I can't. I have to be lonely.
Okay, that was my emo rant of the week.
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ReplyDeleteI know what it feels like to not belong. I think it comes from not having shared experiences, or not having shared understanding.
I don't think you're incapable of belonging, but I don't know how to make you feel at home, to feel part of the whole. (Because I think about belonging in the body of Christ, united in the Holy Spirit, and about how we are not separated from Christ, and yet I'm still not sure how to jive that with my own experiences of feeling like I'm missing out.) [Ephesians 2:18-22]
Will you believe me when I say I used to feel like this ALL THE TIME? At church especially, but also at homeschool group or sports or NCFCA. It's not that I was left-out, it's just that I had no affiliation. My presence was largely expendable. I wasn't shunned or anything, it was just that I didn't really "belong" to anyone, and no one really "belonged" to me.
ReplyDeleteThat feeling of kinship was something I desired for so long . . . until God gave me friends. [With whom I make other people feel like I used to feel . . . what a vicious cycle I unwittingly contribute to . . .]
There are advantages to being on the outside, so to speak, the blessings of untainted perspective and a safeguard from peer pressure -- I mean, in many ways I was a better person before I had the dearly close friends I have now. But mostly, loneliness sucks.
It is right to desire community.
Oh Lord our God, save us from ourselves.
Have you ever wondered if everyone standing in that group is feeling the same way you do? And the feeling of "fitting in" is merely a mask, a facade to cover their true thoughts?
ReplyDelete@Art - making someone feel at home is insanely tricky. That's why there's a college major in hospitality. :P
ReplyDelete@Hayley - Oh the irony of the vicious cycle. And a loud Southern Baptist amen to to your last statement.
@Texas - Yup. Plenty of times. Trying to "fit in" can create notorious groupthink, another point against cooperation.
Heck no, I get that feeling a lot. That's why I think I'd make a terrible employee at some big company. My skills with large groups of people are nonexistent. Quiet corners are my friend ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm usually pretty proud of being an outsider, actually. I like feeling at least somewhat unique. The more different you are, the more interesting you'll be, which gives you stuff to write about. That's my deep writer's philosophy :D
I'd say don't TRY to fit in anywhere. Don't actively go stuffing round pegs in square holes. You'll find community somewhere. There are other humans just as weird, insane, average, and uncomfortable as you out there. And in the meantime, you can always get an imaginary friend. Clyde can teach you how. Say hello, Clyde. Did you hear him say hello? No? Oh, well, he says he thinks you're nice. Hey, Clyde, think you can lift one end of this heavy box?
Your friend Clyde is very nice - although I can't say he's very good at lifting boxes.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Clyde, meet Roxanne. She's a good friend of mine (although very shy and a bit loopy). Hey...wait, Roxanne, where'd you go?